Going out with people has not always been the extra curricular of mine that it is now. In 2017, just tell me “Sharon, let’s go out for a drink,” and you’re getting an instant long-pressed no. Staying in was my thing, still is, but your chances of getting me out are higher now is all I’m saying.
It was about 3:30 in the afternoon of the 23rd of February, when a text entered my phone, “We’re celebrating at ###### 6PM tonight.” I didn’t have to think this over because it was my friend “we” were celebrating. OF COURSE I was gonna be there. When I arrived the location, one of the Island’s busiest night-time destinations, I was pleased to see everyone in attendance, especially my besties.
The event was a feel good moment for us. A buzz of buffet and community was felt throughout. Someone pulled it together so that we could enjoy it too. Moments earlier, the table was flooded with sangria, in due time, it was met with the good company of pizza, tacos, potatoes, fries etc. Orders placed by different attendees.
Excitement reigned as we chit chattered, listened to almost great music and waited on waiters who were running hither and thither to fill all orders.
Then a mutual friend asked me quite specifically: “Do you want anything to eat or drink?”
It felt as though the world stopped as I paused for a moment to think: there’s this concept so imbedded in me, I had inadvertently created a whole feeling of fullness within myself.
“No, I’m okay.” I responded.
Time without number, over and over again
Sometime ago, in a journey home from church, my sisters and I hopped in a ride with a pastor from church who lived not too far away. As we journeyed, he decided to detour one of the fast food restaurants on the way and said to us, or something within the lines: “Take anything you want.”
Anything? Like no price too high? Simple answer, yes. My sisters and I gave each other “the eye” like…
I can’t speak for them here but I found myself in a tough mind battle WITH myself on what’s too much and what’s just right…given that it’s…well…someone’s money!
You know, at the end of the day, let’s just say, I deprived myself of good food. For what? Even I don’t know.
Sometime ago (again), I went on a date with a man I met at a concert. Middle age, high income earner from the life he put on display and oh, so willing to expend. “Order anything,” this man was practically begging me to take more on the menu on our first date. Took me to two decent restaurants in case I didn’t fancy the previous one.
Asides the fact that I’m a slow eater who would simultaneously select only what she’s familiar with and most likely not finish her food on the spot, I simply couldn’t spend that dude’s money to his satisfaction…nor mine, truly.
I don’t know if you see it yet but I tell you that EARLY IN MARCH on a photoshoot set (work related), I was billed to eat. I didn’t want to order outside factoring traffic, delivery time, etc. The closest restaurant was a popular restaurant in Lagos. If you know anything about popular restaurants in Lagos, they can chooookeeeee (aka, they can be very expensive) but a colleague was like, “Let’s go and eat there. It’s bills on them.” And it was a fat bill…on them. On their word, not hers.
Mathematically, it made sense, I mean considering we’ve been here all day. Considering the food is covered by the clients. Considering many things to consider. It felt right. I ordered. But I questioned. I cringed hard. I was reluctant. But I ordered.
Thanks to her moral support and comforting words that I’m not doing too much lmao
As if that wasn’t enough, last week, yeah, just last week, one of my bosses decided to spend a little something on those of us at the office. As I watched my colleagues pass the ordering phone around, I was back at the round table with my inner self. What can I possibly order? I know what I want. But is what I want what I should get? And should what I get be what I want? It was me vs me deciding how much this individual has chosen to spend on us even when he never gave a limit.
This third instance is drawn from a pool of instances. I thought to throw out these few as a stepping stone to getting us on the same page.
These days I’m experiencing even more “bills on me" opportunities. I’m turning them down and turning to myself later at night to ask why. Even my motivation to save money hasn’t been enough to make me jump at a black card…I’ll still think to myself, I’ll rather pay for myself or well, starve.
I’ve thought briefly at my slightly weird approach to people’s money, and the others like it that previously followed, and have realized that at it’s root, it ignored the depth of their wealth and deprived me of enjoyment. I need a break.
Through the looking glass
Over a decade into my adolescent-adult life, my reaction has remained the same — slow to respond to people spending money on me.
I once was invited to a birthday dinner that clearly said, “Join me in celebration of my birthday at xyz.” All seats were reserved and exact for about 14 people.
Lord knows I wanted to ask if we were going dutch. But I thought, why should we, given this IV?
That’s how I held the curated menu in my hand and began to place my order. When I’m unsure of a situation, I approach with the mindset of getting myself out if I smell gbese so I ordered considerably.
Lo' and behold beloved readers, at the end of the night, the waiter started passing the POS round per individual. Yes, EVERYONE WAS PAYING FOR THEIR OWN MEAL.
I was met with surprise and expectation at the same time. I turned to my host to question the nature of this kind of invite. My host thought, “Isn’t this a normal thing? That when you invite people to something like your birthday dinner, they pay for themselves?”
I thought no. Maybe it’s my Nigerian mind.
There’s no hard and fast rule
Sometimes, you think people are open to spending on you but they’re just being courteous/polite. Sometimes, people do have a spending budget in their heads but don’t let you in on it to position themselves a certain way in your head. Sometimes, people don’t just want to create an “awkward” situation.
My thing with spending is this:
1) I can pay for what I want for myself at a given time, in a given situation when I’m aware.
2) You can order on my behalf or ahead
3) You can tell me what a range/budget is to guide my selection process
4) If I ask questions like, “what’s the budget?” or “who’s paying?” or “Are we splitting the bill? ”— I consider these normal questions that should get normal replies.
A word to make it make sense
I’m done thinking why I’m this way and have reached the resolve that I simply have the weird habit of budgenoreason.
This is a new word I’m adding to the dictionary of obscure sorrows, a dictionary I discovered a little over 5 years ago. It fits so perfectly to me because this is a feeling I can’t quite explain but I know is a thing! (Side note: If you can’t get the book now you can read up some obscure feelings here.)
Budgenoreason.
n. The feeling that you need to know how much a close relative, friend or acquaintance will spend on something or how they feel about spending before you can bring yourself to getting the thing or even enjoying it.
This feeling can extend to outsiders, while being prevalent with insiders. I feel this happens to me because I know to some extent how most people (who are willing to spend on me) live their lives. This “knowing" in return makes me not want to “do too much” with their money. Or maybe this happens as a function of the life I had growing up. Although I was never taught not to collect money from people, life was such that I had myself and my nuclear family to rely on for all monetary spends.
I can’t say this is good or bad but I often joke, that I’d spend someone’s money like no man’s business if given the opportunity. I’ve tasted that enjoyment and I know what it’s like to spend people’s money boundlessly (one or two times I threw caution to the wind and dove in). Maybe I should extend same privilege to the people in and around my circle especially.
The spending opportunity has availed itself, not once, not twice, but thousand of times yet the feeling always makes it difficult responding to offers. So I guess I’m capping because until all that changes, I’ll only be most comfortable spending my own money — which I believe is completely okay too.
Sometimes, I’m truly fine. I’m not turning down an offer because I’m not sure how to spend the money. I’m really okay and not in the mood for anything.
But this appraisal makes me realize that more often than not, I’ve managed to create a world outside people’s world with my own mind and what’s worse is that I’m very well aware of it.
The resolution comes down to this
Everyone has a unique and personal relationship with money. Some don’t even want to tell you how much they want to spend on something. Some won’t even say how much they earn.
Most importantly…
I admit it, I missed a goal starting this year, so excuse me, the *new* goal is to spend people’s money on their word, the goal is to not think twice if they’re serious, the goal is to not question the size of their pockets.
If they don’t have it yet they tell me to spend it without budget and I do and they’re thinking: “This one didn’t even say ah, let me not over do.” I’m not sorry and most definitely not responsible for their thoughts and they can delete my contact after.
Just as no one has been responsible for my thoughts. It was I, by myself who has been policing people’s money for years and now, I’m ready to play the spender.
This is my *new* affirmation:
“I surrender. I give up on stopping myself and the people that want to spend money on me.”
Mission well and truly ongoing because you see that my boss’ money? I ordered just what I wanted.
